Can We Just Talk?

Can We Just Talk? 

    In my family something I've noticed is our lack of being able to communicate with each other. I've seen so many arguments start because one doesn't listen to the other or they are fighting over one thing and refuse to stop and figure out how each other is really feeling. Communication is so big in a relationship, and we hear it all the time that it has started to sound clique. However, being able to talk to someone about your thoughts and concerns is so powerful because that’s how you can form the base of a strong relationship. No couple is going to go through their relationship and not have a disagreement, but the way that you handle that disagreement is what can strengthen you or create a wedge between spouses.  

    Real quick I want to say that David D. Burns is a genius at communication and what I'm about to say next is based on his Five Secrets of Effective Communication book.  

    When you're talking to someone about a problem you're having, what's the number one emotion you want to feel? For me its validation. That the other person recognizes my concerns and is actively listening to me. Most of the time when we are in an argument, we can be blinded by anger, so we say the first thing that comes to our minds. Usually, these statements are not thought out and don’t include our feelings, they include judgments or opinions that we have towards the other person. For example, “You never think of me or do simple things for me anymore!” The first reaction I would have is saying “Oh yes I do!” and then the argument escalates. Instead, there is always a kernel of truth in these statements. This imaginary person is really saying “I feel neglected and hurt when you don’t do simple favors for me.” When we can recognize the other persons feelings in their statements we can understand where the real problem is.  

Once we've recognized the other person's feelings, we can have more empathy for them. We love these people and it's not our intention to hurt them, even though we do it accidentally. For example, “I didn’t realize how hurtful it can feel when I forget to say goodbye when I leave the house.” This is usually followed up with a (gentle not harsh) question to better understand where the person is coming from like “Am I correct in thinking that?” When you ask the person if you understand them correctly you can get further information on their feelings. Also, when we are curious about how another person feels we are showing them that we care about them.  

    When we use “you” statements in our conversation we are creating an environment where the other person may feel under attack. Like “You never do anything for me!” or “You always say that I don’t care! Maybe you need to pay better attention to the things I do for you!” These statements make people feel like they need to defend themselves, which will only escalate the argument. Stating how you feel is much more effective and helps the other person to better understand where you're coming from.  

When you're in a heated argument the last thing you think about is complementing the person you're fighting with. However, when you say something that you genuinely appreciate about that person you are showing respect from them. At the end of the day, you still love this person even if it an ex you loved them at some point in time. Show them that you care about them by recognizing a strength that they have. For example, “I'm glad that you love me so much that you miss when I don’t do things for you because that means you miss me.” or “Youve always been so good at showing me you care about me.” If someone sharing something they admired about me in the heat of an argument I would calm down and do a little reevaluating about the argument.  

    I love these 5 secrets to a healthy communication! I think it can help people work through their feelings and truly express themselves in an argument. This exercise is something that is probably easier said than done but with enough practice it will come naturally. The more effective we are with our communication the stronger our relationships can be. What has helped you deescalate an argument?