Can We Just Talk?

Go Ahead and Shoot your Shot Already! 

     I think most people my age (20s) will admit that dating is scarier than all the haunted houses and zombies combined. The awkward stage of talking or the first date questions where you ask them what their favorite color is because the silence is uncomfy. Dating is hard and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find “the one” before time runs out and we are too old. What do you even do on a date anymore?  

What's the difference between hanging and dating someone? Some might say that hanging out is what you do with friends and that dating is something you do when you like someone and want one on one time with that person. So, you and your special someone go out on a planned date that hopefully isn't a movie because the odds of you figuring out who that person is go down. However, the line is starting to blur between dating and hanging out. 

 

You might be wondering “Ok so? What's wrong with just hanging out with someone I like?” Well, my friend, when you hang out with someone do you see what they are like in a stressful situation? Like hiking, for example when you go hiking for a date you see what that person is like when they get tired or hot. You get to know a person the more you are actively doing things together. Plus, you get the shared trauma of being tired after a hike which can be a very binding experience. Hanging out can be fun, it's low key, not much thought goes into it and there's not a lot of commitment when you just hang out. But when you are actively going on a date you get to what that person is like in different situations.  

Hanging out creates confusion in the relationship. In the first stages of getting to know someone I'm constantly thinking “Where are we at? Does he really like me or am I just a friend?” It's so annoying! And that’s the part that makes dating scary! Feelings are hard, we want to save face and cover up what we are feeling because we are afraid of being rejected and hurt. We tell ourselves “What's the worst that can happen?” And then cripple at the thought of all the worst things that could happen. When we allow fear to put boundaries on what we do we limit ourselves to experiences that we need to grow as a person. I'll tell ya what, the most frustrating part of a movie is when the main character doesn't say what they feel because they are scared and then their love interest gets on the plane and flies away. (But comes back anyway because it's Hollwood that’s not always likely to happen in real life though) Hanging out is another excuse to save face and not tell someone how you feel. You create situations that are casual and require low commitment. Do you think you can marry someone and have a successful relationship based on a low commitment hang out?  

The same can also ring true with people who live together before they are married. I know that’s an unpopular opinion but regardless it’s still true. People who cohabitate before they get married end up with more problems coming into their relationship down the road. Think of Pam and Roy from the office. They were engaged and lived together for years! And in the end their commitment level to each other was low and they learned that the things that used to work in their relationship burned out. Bruce A. Chadwick a BYU professor of sociology asserts that, “The truth of the matter is that 30 years of research has made it clear that couples who cohabit and then wed are less happy and are more likely to divorce: Why? Because cohabiting couple are not willing to exercise the faith to make a lifelong commitment, and their commitment does not increase much when they marry.” The point Chadwick is making is that those who are willing to exercise faith in themselves and their relationship by waiting until they are married until they move in with someone increases their probability of a happier relationship.  

Bruce A. Chadwick, "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, And Celestial Marriage". Brigham Young University 2001-2002 speeches.